Enjoy The Ride!

Supernatural Love

Speaking as a mom, I find it interesting that it seems to come naturally to me to love my son unconditionally, yet I have the hardest time loving anyone else the same way.

I mean, I don't have to "try" to love my little boy, its just there. Here. In my heart, in my mind, in my thoughts, and in my prayers.

It never occurs to me to leave my child, or to give up on him. I'm sure that must be part of the beautiful, God-given gift the Lord built into a mother's heart. How wise and all-understanding our God is, for He knew every challenge, heartache, battle, and joy a mother would encounter with each unique, precious child He blessed her with.

I wonder why, then, it always seems to be my first instinct to abandon a relationship/marriage when things aren't going very well?

I've been reading and re-reading I Corinthians 13 every night, for it seems I get something brand new from it every time I read it.

And I'm learning that Christ's love is nothing at all like my love.

And I thank God that His love for me is unconditional. Yes, He is definitely disappointed in me at times, but I don't believe that it occurs to Him to stop loving me, or to leave me, or to intentionally try to get even with me because I've let Him down.

I also read in my Bible notes, that this kind of love does not come naturally. Simply wanting to love Christ's way, won't make me love this way.

Its the work of the Holy Spirit in me.

Loving people really doesn't come that easily to me. I've been trying to work at it...but now I really believe I'm on to something here. I really believe that it is indeed going to take the help of the Holy Spirit...God's Spirit within me, to teach me how to love others.

I'm so thankful the Lord hears our prayers.

Even more thankful when He answers them.

esther

Esther, do you know what it means to PRAY IT THROUGH?

 

I think of all the different things I experienced this summer while camping with my family, this one simple question has had the biggest impact in my life.

"Esther, do you know what it means to pray it through?" Asked my best friend, Joe Harshberger. And that...is why he's my best friend.

It was around 8:00ish that evening, and my little boy Julian had just come running into the camper, crying and pointing to his tummy, when he told me someone had punched him in the stomach and mouth.

Actually, it was closer to an hour later, as I was sitting at our table, my friend Joe across from me, and I was sharing my concerns and fears about my son. Julian is autistic and lives with many challenges, one of which is the right and wrong way to let out his emotions. He's gotten into the habit of spitting at a person, usually if they're ignoring him or if they tell him no. Although we never got completely down to the bottom of why one of the camping kids punched him, its a good possibility he was fed up with being spit at, hit, etc. 

I won't go into the details of how upset I was, how I marched around the campgrounds, from one kid to another, trying to find out who punched Julian and why, or the fact that I packed up all of our belongings the next morning and said I'd never be back...and meant it at the time...

Even through all of that, the life-altering moment was when my best friend Joe, had the spiritual where-with-all, the wisdom, to point me to the One true source that can feel my pain, help me carry my burdens, and give me the strength to face each challenge one at a time.

Its amazing, how much impact our words can have on someone. 

And to this day, when things get too overwhelming in my life, when I think I'm just going to throw my hands up in the air and admit defeat, I hear those words, I hear my best friend Joe encouraging me to PRAY IT THROUGH!

Thanks, Joe.

And thank You, God...for bringing Joe into our lives.

esther

A Warm Welcome!

Now that summer is ending and our kiddos are back in school, I'm looking forward to spending time again here in my blog. This has been one of the most exciting, most interesting summers of my life!

Our family spent the summer camping, off and on. We were blessed to buy a camper already set up and ready to move in, back in May. And since the campground is located only 35 miles from our home, we're able to go back and forth during the summer, and now on weekends after school.

I can't even begin to touch on the many experiences we shared this summer, but I'm looking forward to sharing much more about it in the next several weeks.

I hope and pray each one of you had a blessed, healthy summer and are enjoying your families.

God bless each and every one of you, today and every day...

esther

Remember to Take Care of You!

One of the easiest things to do, and perhaps one of the biggest mistakes we can make, is to get so pulled into this life of daily autistic challenges, that we absolutely forget the importance of taking care of ourselves, as well as our child(ren). The irony of that situation is that how in the world can we help our kids...if we don't help ourselves, too?! I guess speaking for myself, which I hope you realize I always do in here, as I would never presume to know your personal difficulties and struggles, but I've learned to take the quiet moments when and where I can get them. A hot bath, a long walk, an hour reading a good book, time in seclusion praying and reading God's Word, they may all seem like such simple things, but it makes a huge difference, especially in the long run. Take it from me, its amazing what even just a few minutes can do - away from the noise, the clutter, the absolute chaos that becomes our day-to-day life! Honestly, its almost mandatory to allow yourself to step away, back off, back down, and just exhale if and when you can. When you're going in adrenaline mode hour after hour, you've got to find a way to step back and let it release...or you'll want to explode. And in fact, its not a bad idea for your child(ren) to see and eventually understand that even Mommy/Daddy need to go to a quiet place and regroup, and hopefully one day they'll do the same thing with positive results. Its been a long winter here. Now spring is here...well, almost, lol. Its nice enough outdoors to be able to go out for some much-needed fresh air, soak up a bit of sunshine, and just thank the good Lord for helping us make it through the cold, hard winter. Listen to the birds sing! Feel the warmth of the sun on your face! Walk barefoot in the grass! Pick a flower or two! Take a moment to notice how blue the sky is! Look around at all the trees coming into bloom! Enjoy the gorgeous colors of spring! The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, the sun is brighter...these are the small things, yet the things that God in all His wisdom knew could make an absolute difference...if we just take the time to notice them. God bless you and yours!

esther

What AutismAwareness means to me

April...is AutismAwareness month! You'll be hearing, reading, and seeing this on tv this month of April. There will be numerous specials hosted on tv, new segments, talk shows, and radio broadcasts. The point is to get the word out..."April is autism awareness month. But what does that mean, to you? To me it means that there are still people whose lives perhaps have not (yet) been touched by this epidemic we call autism, but if they will take the time and interest to listen, watch, and learn, they will be better informed and more prepared to deal with the uncertain challenges we who have autistic angels, deal with on a daily basis. To me it is a reminder that I am not alone in this. That there are countless others who share in my struggles, my son's challenges. And I find that so encouraging. To me it means that there is a whole world full of people out there, just like my son, just like myself and our family who are praying and hoping and fighting to rise above the challenges, to find a way through, to sometimes, just make it one day at a time. If you know someone who is autistic, or who has an autistic angel, please take a moment out of your busy, hectic day and just say a prayer for them...for us. Remember there is strength in numbers and even more strength...in the power of prayer. God does know...He is perhaps THE only One who understands and truly knows what we're dealing with...exactly what we're facing, and let me tell you He is not scratching His head in fear and wondering what is going on...He knew about autism before this epidemic came into our world. In that, I find my comfort. Please remember to comfort one another...to pray for one another...to maybe just offer a word or two of love and support...for someone you know who is dealing with autism. That's what autism awareness means to me. What does it mean to you? esther

Giving God the glory?!

I shared in here today about the awesome changes we've seen in our son's behaviors at home this past week, and I realized I hadn't one time given the glory to God!

I was just on the phone, sharing with one of the ladies in our church children's ministry how the Lord has been working all along, in ways we couldn't see, and how He has brought every single person into our path in order to open doors and move in our lives. We've been through some unbelievable struggles this past year. To be honest, there were times when I didn't think I could go another day the way things were. It seemed the harder we tried to get through to our son, the worse the behavior became. I prayed, I cried, I read The Word, and sometimes it seemed that nothing was going to change...ever. Honestly, I don't know how people do this, without having a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior. And now I know that every prayer, every tear, every sigh, every heartbreak, was heard and seen by my Father, and that He was moving on our behalf all along. NO, we couldn't SEE what He was doing...how He was invisibly speaking to hearts and moving mountains to answer our prayers, but He was here with us. I just want to make sure I give Him all the glory. And I love and thank Him so much for never giving up on us...on me. He is still merciful and patient...full of compassion and longsuffering, and even though sometimes it may seem like He allows us to suffer through so much, we have to keep believing, keep holding on, and keep asking Him for the grace to help us through one more day. Because as long as God is in the picture, anything is possible.esther

AutismAwareness

Myspace Glitter Graphics

Well its been awhile since I've shared in here. Perhaps that's because we've been having such an amazing, awesome time actually enjoying our son! Don't get me wrong, we always enjoy our son, he is a blessing for sure. But up until these past few weeks the challenges have been overwhelming, and sometimes it just leaves me...speechless.

But I honestly believe that the intervention from his school is really working.We are blessed to have a teacher, and teacher's assistant, principal, guidance councilor, and several other school staff who took the initiative to get involved and take a personal interest in our son, our family, and the intense behavior issues we were facing at home.We have actually gone a full week...with no spitting, no hitting, so screaming or cussing or throwing at home!I think what's key here is that we've found Julian's button. What I mean is that he cares immensely what the staff at school think about him; about his behavior at home. I myself am amazed and thankful that he has reached this emotional milestone, in that he does care what other people think of him. That he feels ashamed and embarassed when his teachers read our daily report on whether his behavior that night at home was good or not-so-good, is a wonderful way to be able to allow his teachers and other school staff to reinstill in him the importance of how he treats his family.The fact that he was/is so well behaved at school was a huge clue that he could control his behavior, that it was a choice to behave so badly at home.So now that we're all on the same page, working together as a team, we're beginning to see some positive results!Someone once told me that because every child is different, whether they are autistic or typical, the key is to find out what will get your child's attention. Because as I'm sure you know, there has to be a consequence for bad behavior, but what works for one child may not work for another.Our son can't stand the thought of his teachers, who regard him so highly at school, finding out about his bad behavior at home, so now he's learning that we're all working together as a team...almost like what he does to us at home, he in a sense does to his teachers and staff at school, too.For all you who are struggling with behavior problems at home, I hope and pray that you have support from others...family members, school staff, behavior therapists. For us, once Julian realized that others were aware of his outlandish behaviors at home, he started thinking twice about the consequences, and how this would affect his relationships at school.esther

We're going to get through this!

Its been at least a week since I've shared in here. Things have been...challenging, to say the least. Sometimes, just when I think I'm at my wit's end and I don't see that light at the end of the tunnel, we get that break-through.
Sometimes, I'm just so busy "holding on", it takes all the strength and willpower I have to just get through the tough times. But always...God sends someone our way who offers hope and light and...relief.Its a hard thing, trying to break the bad habits and I've always said be careful what you allow your child to do, because I've learned from experience that especially an autistic child so easily falls into a routine, be it a good or not-so-good one.My little boy has gotten into the routine of coming home from school every day, behaving in a confrontational, aggressive way. And its gone on for so long now that its going to take alot of hard work, determination, and effort to change that routine, redirect, and teach new, healthy habits.By giving into his "demands" because to be honest, sometimes we just got tired of the fighting and it was easier to just give in for the sake of peace, that behavior has now become a regimented pattern to him and it can be pretty hard to transition him into something different.But the good news is that I do know what we're up against, and the Lord has sent us so much moral support. So I know we're going to get through this, because I'm determined to help mold my son into the very best person he can be. I hope and pray, if any of you out there are going through difficult times with your child(ren), just remember that its never too late to try to break the bad habits and instill new ones. And I'm clinging to the verse, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13. I know I can't do it on my own..in my flesh, but that with His help and guidance, He'll see us through. I hope you know the Lord, and that you allow Him to help you through whatever you or your family might be facing.esther

Never Stop Believing!

I think if there was one point I could really stress to get across to people, families, parents, anyone going through hard times and challenges, it would be to never stop believing.

When I think back to the first few months, days even, when the doctors and professionals started using the word "autism" in the same sentence with my 2 yr old's name, I'm amazed I even got through it. My heart was devestated.

And maybe its not like that for everybody. Maybe because he was/is my only child, and I remember thinking, "I don't even have experience raising a typical child, muchless handling the supposed challenges of autism!

But...that was 5 years ago. And I did get through it. And my heart didn't break. At least, no more than any parent's heart gets broken in a manner of speaking, at times.

Some things have gotten better, easier. Some things, I suppose, that most people would consider ourtrageous have perhaps become the norm to us. And that's ok too.

But all in all, the good times have far outweighed the bad, not that its been easy because honestly my son has been the biggest challenged I've ever faced in my life. And I've faced...many.

But we've come through many battles, with still many more to face, undoubtedly, and I'm so thankful the Lord has always given me the strength to take it one day at a time...one challenge at a time.

And there is something in me, something so strong that finds the will to go on, regardless how tough things get at times. I have found the determination in my heart and soul that I will continue to take one step at a time, even when it feels like I'm falling flat on my face.

No matter how difficult the storms might get, I hope and pray that you will allow the Lord to be your strength, your comfort, your guide. Because He is a friend who will never leave you nor your precious child, and if you let Him He will refresh your soul when you feel you just can't go on.

Whatever you do, don't settle. Raise the bar. Strive for more. Believe with all your heart, even when things seem too hard. But don't ever stop believing. In God, in yourself, or in your child.

esther

What Kind of Angel?

Sometimes, our prayers are answered in mysterious ways...and often in a totally different way than I would have expected. But they are heard...and answered. My heart is overflowing with thanks, first of all for my awesome, loving Heavenly Father who I know has heard my every cry to Him these past few weeks. And God chose to answer my cries by sending us an angel! No, not in the form of a "heavenly" creature, floating around on beautiful gossimer wings. No, He sent us an angel, in the form of a school teacher. A very special, loving lady who came into our lives this past September when our son began his journey into a public school. As we shared with her the behavioral issues we're having at home with our son, she set up an amazing program wherein we will be working together as a team, to try to instill the same routines and consequences both at school and at home. I don't take for granted how blessed this family is, to have our son in the loving, capable care of a teacher, and her aid, who go far Above and Beyond the call of duty. Sometimes, God sends us gifts, but we fail to acknowledge when its His doing. God does intervene on our behalf. Half the battle is believing.The other half is receiving. esther

What IS Faith?

This has become one of my favorite verses in The Bible...so simple yet so powerful!

So many times when I've gone through some really trying situations, I know the Lord brings this precious verse to my mind...to remind me to have faith even when things don't look so great to me.

Afterall, the verse says..."Now faith is the substance of things HOPED FOR..." the evidence of things NOT SEEN..."

If we see something positive, or good happening, we wouldn't need the faith. But its when we need to believe in something positive...something improving...something better happening..that we need our faith.

You know, if I were to continue to look at my circumstances as they are right now...my son's challenges in this autism epidemic, I don't think I could face another day.

Most of the time I don't come in here and just lay it all on the line...really share how tough things are with him, because what I don't ever want to do is to exploit my child...or to overstep the bounds regarding his privacy.

Yet what I do want to do is to encourage so many others who are going through similiar...or possibly worse...situations and challenges.

I don't have all the answers.

Sometimes its all I can do to get through one day at a time.

We have good days, and not-so-good ones.

Months can go by when all evidence would seem to point to my son becoming almost "typical".

Then the bottom drops out...and we're blindsided.

This is when my faith has to take over. This is when I really understand what this verse is saying. Because I begin to look at the things..."not seen"....such as healing, a peaceful life for my son, reaching goals, winning over autism...and I ask the Lord to teach me how to increase my faith...so that I won't give up.

Faith is so important. The Bible even says that without faith, it is impossible to please Him.

Hebrews 11 is a wonderful chapter to read to start increasing your own faith.

Faith is a wonderful, powerful gift to have. Its amazing how my spirit, attitude, and thoughts become transformed and lifted, when I allow God to speak to me through His Word...and to increase my faith.

I hope and pray your faith will be increased today. May you realize the peace, power and hope that will flood your heart and soul, when you look to the Lord...the Creator of faith itself.

esther

I'm Not Giving Up!

I haven't posted in here in afew days because I simply could not.


Talk about the calm before the storm. Unbelievable.

In one of my posts I talked about the difference in "behavioral issues" and genuine "melt-downs" as it pertains to at least my little boy and his autistic challenges.

Saturday, for the first time in a very long time, we definitely had a genuine "melt-down".

The doctors often refer to these particular rages as "night-terrors", probably due to the fact that Julian used to go into rages upon waking from a deep-sleep nap.

But its been afew years actually, since these have happened.

For those of you who don't struggle with these, you're blessed, and be very thankful.

For those of you who do...God bless you. Because I know personally what its like.

Saturday I felt so helpless. Perhaps you can't imagine what its like to have to try to restrain your little boy because he's so out-of-control, its like he's in another world and isn't quite aware of what he's doing. And pretty much anything you try to do to calm him, just escalates the rage.

Sometimes, all you can do is get him to a safe place....away from furniture, breakables, anything he could grab and throw or break, and try to stay calm yourself.

Good Lord, is that hard to do, stay calm when the child of your womb is thrashing and lashing out in a maniacal rage, and your heart (and mind) are racing with all sorts of "what-ifs" and "how comes" and "why, Lord, why?" Yes, for me at least, because its so near and dear to my heart, its a huge challenge to not break down and cry.

Which I did, Saturday.

I think the hardest thing was that because we hadn't seen these "rages" in such a long time, I let my guard down and believed we had somehow, miraculously overcome those, so when it happened out of the blue, I couldn't believe it.

Eventually he did calm down, and I had my big crying gig, and my son was back to normal (whatever that is), and life went on.

I believe it was caused by a change in his meds. We won't go into that right now, but obviously the Abilify (medication) was working to stop those rages.

Sometimes at night, when he's sleeping...his beautiful face a picture of a cherub, we look at him and think its so hard to imagine this is the same little boy who was in horrific throes of violence and rage earlier. How COULD this be the same little boy? What goes on in that little mind, to cause such outburts? And what can I do to make it all better?!

You know what came to my mind, was a verse in Isaiah, that said...."He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief....for He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities....for the chastisement of our peace was upon Him....and by His stripes we are healed." That is not exactly verbatim, but the words that came to be yesterday.

And I thought, yes, Jesus suffered terrible grief...and rejection...and sorrow.

Who could possibly better understand than Him?

And I just sat there, tears streaming down my face, and I couldn't even say anything. I just told Him, "Lord, I don't even know what to say right now...what to pray...." as I just moaned and wept.

And I knew....felt...sensed...His presence. Knew that He cared that I was hurting....that He felt my sorrow...my fear...my concern for my precious child.

And that was enough.

Without words, He did what no-one was able to do for me.

He comforted me.

esther

Well, it Worked!

You'd probably understand what I'm talking about if you'd read yesterday's post, 'Another Hindsight Moment.' Basically I'd gotten sooo tired of my 7 yr old little boy constantly fighting me when he's not getting his way. Defying us is one thing, but the WAY he was doing it is what drove us nuts. The spitting at us, hitting us, throwing things, and so on.

Anyway, after trying the Time-Out chair, in which he just continued to the above-mentioned, I told him IF he spit at me one more time...I was taking away his radio...for the night. The whole night. (I've taken it from him before but he ALWAYS got it back before bedtime.)

Not this time.

When he spat at me again, I did indeed take the radio.

After he calmed down, he proceeded to try every means possible to cajole me into giving him back the radio.

But, I held my ground and he went off to bed...no radio in tow.

This morning he was like a different child. No kidding.

No fighting, no spitting, no "bad words", no throwing, he actually came out quietly this morning, looked at me with a sweet smile, and said..."Today radio?" "Yes, today radio", I said.

And...miracle of miracles, when he came home from school today, he actually had a good attitude.

So far, so good.

Oh I'm not naive enough to think he's going to be a little angel-boy from now on, lol.

But I do think we're on to something here. (Finally)!

The moral of this story is, that sometimes it takes awhile to find out what works with your kids.

Sometimes you can take all the advice in the world from well-meaning people, but always remember that YOU know your child better than anyone else does. You know what makes him tick, even though you might now always understand him/her.

It does pay to be persistent.

Sometimes, its hard to tell if a particular discipline is really working or not. Especially with autistic children. Because my son has a hard time communicating with us, I do believe it sometimes escalates his behaviors. I know it must be frustrating for him, too.

BUT I also know he's got to learn that you cannot just lash out at people because they don't always give you what you want.

As much as it hurt me to keep that radio from him the entire night (he listens to the static, for white noise), I knew it was a crucial time in teaching him that I do mean what I say.

So for those of you maybe going through something similiar, just hang in there and keep trying to figure out how to get through to your child(ren). You never know when a break-through is just around the corner.

esther

Another Hind-Sight Moment

If it seems I've got more "hind-sights" than "in-sights", its probably because I do, lol.

For what its worth, I learned a very valuable lesson tonight.

We've been dealing with some pretty undesirable behaviors with our 7 yr old lately. (If you consider 5 yrs, lately...sigh). And its not like we just let it go, believe me we've taken courses on parenting strategies, talked to behavior specialists, doctors, watch 'Super Nanny', etc. etc.

For us, not much seemed to be working. Maybe because he's 7 now, its time to change our strategy.

Which I did, tonight.

I'm fed up with the spitting, hitting, tantruming, and throwing. My son has an outrageous temper.

For so long, it was easier to just give in, and like magic, the tanrums stopped.

Except, it wasn't magic. It was free-will. His, not mine.

So tonight, instead of just THREATENING to take away his radio until tomorrow, I stuck to my guns. Even after the tantruming stopped, he came to me and asked for the radio back, and I explained to him that no, that wasn't the deal. The deal was, the NEXT time he spit at me, the radio would be gone until tomorrow.

I gotta say, this boy is one persistent little guy. He begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, cuddled up to me, and tried basically everything he could think of...and why? Because it always worked before.

Not this time. I realized that if I gave in this time, he'd never take me seriously. I think I probably realized that a long time ago, it just took me this long to find the courage and strength to withstand his emotional cajoling. Because he's good, he's really good. He knows how to get to Mommy, in fact he's learned that I love him dearly and it's hard for me NOT to give in to him, especially when he's being all sweetsy.

You know what? Eventually he DID give up...and went on to bed...with no radio. (He listens to "white noise", not music).

Anyway, for what its worth, maybe it'll be of some help to someone out there who's going through if not the same thing, something similiar.

You see, in our case, his "melt-downs" aren't melt-downs at all. Honestly, I've seen some autistic kids who genuinely melt down because they can't handle new circumstances or transitioning, or sometimes even certain sounds, or other things that actually cause an uncontrollable response in them.

But that's not the case with my son. Autistic? Mildly. Spoiled? Severely.

esther

PINK FLOYD: YouTube Videos

Ok, if you read my complete profile then you know that one of my "indulgences" in life is that I am a huge fan of Pink Floyd. David Gilmour, to be exact, lol.Soooo....I've added some (awesome) live performances of his from YouTube, down at the bottom of my page.I also have some Christian music video's, as well.I just wanted to let you know, because I suppose there are some people who prefer strictly Praise and Worship music. Personally, I get alot of relaxation from listening to my mellow Pink Floyd music, too.Peace out
esther